I could've watched you die… I could've stood there while your final breath escaped your lifeless body and counted down until your heart stopped beating… I could've done everything very differently.
Instead, as I stood near the doorway… I heard the suction of them removing your life support… and I walked away. I held my breath as I hurried down the hall… past your brother… around the corner… until I fell against the wall face first and expelled the wave of emotions that took over.
I cried… I stood, hugging the wall, and cried. Gasping for breath between sobs… my stomach twisted, my mind exploding and my body quivering… I let go of everything.
With each tear I forgave you.
With every intake of breath I forgave you.
With every bit of my being… I forgave you.
With death comes forgiveness. There is no more room for anger. No more room for contempt, no more room for bitterness… there is only the release of past pains that opens up a door… a door that leads to a new way of thinking.
I'm sorry you died.
I'm sorry this horrible thing happened to you.
I'm sorry this is the way you had to go.
I'm sorry we had to sit together, your siblings and I, to agree on pulling the "plug" that had become your life so quickly, so unexpectedly, so harshly.
I'm sorry your life ended.
You were a brother, you were a son, and regardless of the wrongs you committed in your life, you were loved.
They gathered together to be by your side… so you weren't alone in your final hours.
At first I was sorry for being there… I felt like an intruder… a hypocrite… totally out of place. That went away quickly… when I realized it couldn't be any other way. You were family, your family is my own… and in the end… family is all that matters.
It doesn't matter anymore… the things you've done, the people you've hurt, the horrors that haunted those around you… all that matters now is the loss felt by those that loved you regardless… your life is over… death wipes your plate clean… you are forgiven.
You will be missed for all that you were to some, and all that you could've been to others.
I could've watched you die… I'm glad I chose to walk away.
