Three

If you've ever had to wait 3 years for something you know how long it is.
Until that is, you have a baby and celebrate their 3rd birthday. Suddenly 3 years is the shortest span of time, defying all logic and previous knowledge of time.
It has literally felt like a blink of an eye, from the time I was carrying you in my belly to our present time of having just celebrated your 3rd birthday. I can't make sense out of how fast it went. I have clung to every bit of baby that existed in you and though I'm still desperately trying, I fail to find any left. It breaks my heart, it overjoys my heart, it contorts my emotions into a twister style mess of nonsensical up and downs. Some days I am just so proud and excited to watch your growth, milestones and new accomplishments and other days I'm shaking my fists screaming how unfair it is that you've grown so quickly.
I miss the little things, like the sound of you feeding late at night, when the world is asleep and nighttime has settled in. The slow sleepy gulps of a contented baby feeling safe cradled in my arms. I miss the sound of the big breath signaling the end of your feed and the beginning of your slumber. I miss the way your little hand would lazily paw at my chest as you drifted off to sleep. I miss the way you'd look at me with pure love, with such inquisitive wonder and happiness. I miss how your hand would instinctively wrap around my finger whenever I placed it in your palm. I miss the way you'd crazily kick your little legs when I would change you because you were just so happy to be alive. The constant reminders of how easy it is to take joy in the simple things. I miss the way you would nuzzle your little face into my neck and squeeze with all of your little might, telling me in your baby ways that you loved me, you needed me. I miss the freshly bathed baby smell, the way you'd delightfully splash and try so hard to grab the water. I miss cradling you close to me and rocking you to sleep.

As much as I miss all of those moments I consider the things you do now and know with absolute certainty that I'd miss them just as much, if not more.

I love how you get excited and talk so fast that your words just don't make sense, yet we know exactly what it is you're saying. I love how independent you are and how adamant you get about doing things yourself. I love how loving you are, how you call everyone baby and pet their face with such a gentle affection. I love how you go out of your way to help and clean up messes and do big people things. I love how proud you get when you accomplish something and run around giving high fives and saying "you did a good job, I did it!"
I love how you wrap your little body around me like a Koala and hug me with everything you've got, I love more that  you make it last and last. I love how you believe my kisses fix all boo boos. I love how you reciprocate that and kiss everyone's boo boos as well. I love every single thing about you and I know that in 3 years I will look back, I will wonder where the last 3 years have gone, and I will miss every moment I get to have with you right now.

So I am going to continue to cling to each second, I will make as many memories as possible, I will ingrain them into my heart so that in 3 years I'll remember with a fondness the feelings I have right now, just as I can look back to 3 years ago and remember exactly what it felt like to hold you for the very first time.

Rejection can be freeing

I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt, when those you love refuse to return it.
I can't say that it doesn't bother me when I'm rejected by people that I thought were supposed to love me.
Their reasoning might make absolute sense to others while still completely baffling me. I say I love God, they say I'm  hateful and judgmental. I say I believe in prayer, they say I'm delusional, weak minded and lost.

I say they are probably right on all counts, which is exactly why I pray and turn to God for direction.
I'm accused of thinking I'm better than others, while openly admitting how very flawed I am. I'm not better, I'm just as lost as the rest of the world, the only difference is that I have the greatest shepherd to guide me. I submit to being no good, to needing God to guide me.

I try to remember how I felt reading things like this before my walk began, so I can put myself in the shoes of others but the truth is, I don't want to remember who I used to be.
I'm slowly accepting that even those I've loved the most might walk away from me and never look back, but the sadness I feel from that is not stronger than the love I have for God. You can't issue an ultimatum of you or God because He wins every time.

I don't want to be the person I'd have to be in order for most to love me. I was that person for most of my life, there was nothing good about her. I'm still capable of hurting people, letting them down and making them feel badly, the difference though is that I don't do it on purpose anymore.

The truth is, as much as it hurts when people walk away from me, it has actually improved my life. I no longer wish to have 2 separate lives, one for God and church and the other for family that can't accept or be respectful about any of it.

It doesn't make me a hypocrite to point out others shortcomings because I'm fully aware of my own.
Being a Christian doesn't mean I'm no longer allowed to have opinions, thoughts or feelings about things. It doesn't mean that I won't make mistakes or be dead-wrong. It doesn't mean any of the things you think it does which is 90% of the problem.

I was so tired of tiptoeing around everyone, keeping my beliefs stowed away for fear of yet another argument, and pretending I wanted to be surrounded by people that made me feel so badly all the time.
For each person that's turned their back on me, God has put someone else in my life that fulfills me far greater than anyone that walked away.

I won't pretend it doesn't hurt, that people walked away, but I won't pretend I'm not relieved either.